Marriage? No, thanks
by OnyxKatana
Summary: Five weddings tell us why our favourite Kazekage is still single. Crack. OOC. You have been warned. Review please! Flames welcome.


Marriage. Matrimony. The holy binding of two souls. A reason for happiness and cause of celebration. Or, that's what I thought. Because when it comes to the Konoha Twelve, if something seems to be going right, you should be running for the hills. Even if you're the youngest Kazekage in history.

* * *

Act 1 : Naruto and Hinata

"Dobe!" "Teme!" "Dobe!" "Teme!"

"Cut it out, you two!" WHAM! By the noise, I would hazard a guess that Haruno smacked Naruto over the head. Again. As I turned around, I saw Team Seven standing there, with Naruto holding his head. My suspicions were correct.

"Hey, Sakura-chan! It's my wedding! Don't break me before I get married! Hinata-chan will be heartbroken."

The Uchiha muttered under his breath, "More like she'll be thanking Sakura for saving her."

"O-Oi! What did you say, Sasuke-teme? Wait, Gaara! I knew you'd come! You can't miss the future Hokage's wedding, can you?"

Before I could protest, the overly cheery blonde had 'glomped' me in a hug. He seemed to have no respect for my distaste of invasion of my personal space. From over his shoulder, Uchiha gave me a polite nod, which I returned best as I could in my current state. Haruno pulled the blonde off me, as she politely bowed, "Kazekage-sama."

"How many times have I told you? Just Gaara."

"Alright. Gaara-san. Please make yourself comfortable, while I attend to a few last-minute preparations." Turning around, she shouted at Naruto to go get ready. And she hurried away, tugging the Uchiha behind her.

I sat down near the Nara who was courting Temari. Shikamaru, I believe. He was the strategist and primary advisor for the Hokage, after the death of his father. We were discussing the recent affairs at Kiri when the ceremony was about to start. I saw Naruto standing at the front. The Uchiha would probably be coming with the rest of the procession.

We turned to see a cousin of the Hyuuga girl come out from the big doors at the back, followed by Rock Lee and his teammate, and then the Uchiha and the Haruno. Word had spread that they were courting. At the end, Hinata-san came, along with her father. It was all okay until they reached the front. Hinata-san looked every bit the beautiful bride. And then, as Naruto turned to offer a hand to his bride, all hell broke loose.

"NARUTO! Why the hell are you dressed in an orange shirt? And why is your tie patterned with RAMEN, for Kami's sake?"

"Oh, heh-heh.. Sakura-chan-"

"Don't 'Sakura-chan' me, you baka!" WHAM! "Shannaro!"

There was a soft gasp from the Hyuuga girl, as Uchiha and Lee carried the out-cold groom to a corner.

* * *

Act 2: Sasuke and Sakura

Here I was, in Konoha again, to attend the wedding of the Uchiha and the Haruno. And again, I was sitting there, watching the ceremony. So far, Naruto only had about three bruises, and a messily-knotted bright-orange tie. The Uchiha was dressed formally, and the Haruno was looking beautiful in her white gown. And the Godaime Hokage was presiding over the ceremony. The wedding had gone by normally, so far.

"Exchange your rings now."

Haruno turned to the loud blonde who ran the flower shop. Yamanaka, I guess. She was Shikamaru's teammate, if I recalled correctly. Yamanaka shuffled around in her large clutch before pulling out a box, and handed the ring to the pinkette.

On the other side, Uchiha turned to Naruto, who was the best man. How those two were friends was beyond my comprehension. They were polar opposites of each other. Naruto put his hand in his pocket. And then, as I watched, he put his hand in his other pocket. Then, he proceeded to pat himself all over, as the Uchiha's eyebrows touched his hairline.

From my seat in the front row, and because of the abilities I'd gained in my time with Shuukaku, I could hear the Uchiha hiss, "Where is the ring, Dobe?"

"Ah-ha-hah, it's somewhere here..."

"Uchiha, is there a problem?" The Godaime looked at the raven-haired ninja.

"Naruto..." The Uchiha growled, his eyes swirling into the Sharingan. "Where the hell did you put the ring?"

"Gimme a minute, Sasuke!"

By now the whole assembly had understood what was going on, and they were murmuring among themselves. Right then, the doors flung open to reveal a man in a bowl-cut, wearing a green jumpsuit.

"Do not worry, Sasuke! For it is I, Maito Gai, who shall save the day!"

The Uchiha covered his face with his hand. "Oh, no. There goes my wedding."

"Do not fret, or you shall be wasting away your youth! I have a replacement right here!"

He bounded up to the Uchiha and handed him a small band of metal. The moment he placed it in his hand, Uchiha lurched to the ground.

He wheezed out a "What the heck is this? It weighs a ton!"

"It is one of my training weights! With this, you shall never experience the loss of your youth!"

"More like Sakura will break her finger if she wears that!" The Yamanaka screeched.

And that sparked off a shouting match between Maito Gai, the Yamanaka, Naruto and the Godaime. And I have a strong suspicion that I was the only one who noticed Uchiha pick up Haruno in his arms and flash-step away to Kami-knows-where.

Sigh.

* * *

Act 3: Sai and Ino

"Alrighty, people! We are gathered here..."

Another wedding. The loud Yamanaka and the pale artist from Root. And I had been invited. Again. After a small session that involved the Yamanaka breaking down about Sai not smiling, even on their wedding day, everything had settled down. As much as it could, for a wedding of one of the Konoha Twelve, anyway.

This time, the Rokudaime Hokage was the one presiding over the wedding. Hatake Kakashi stood at the front, with his mask and hitai-ate in place, along with that eye-crinkle.

"Yosh, let's get on to the readings. But, it's time for a change." And with that he pushed away the open book lying in front of him, and whipped out a small book with a bright orange cover. Almost two-thirds of the congregation groaned.

"Kakashi-sensei, what are you-?"

"Don't worry, Ino. I'm only going to be reading some important truths of life."

I was confused about what was going on. I did not know why the book had elicited such a reaction. But the moment the Hokage opened his mouth and began reading, I realized just what the book contained. I could feel my ears and the back of my neck try to compete with the colour of my hair, as blood rushed to my face. From the look of things, everyone seemed to be in a similar position, as that idiotic Hokage went on with the graphic description of the 'truths of life'.

"HATAKE!" The Slug Princess finally stormed up to him and ripped the book out of his hand, and turned it into confetti.

"My-My-My Limited Time Platinum Edition of Icha Icha Paradise which was signed by Jiraiya-sama!"

And that day went down in history as the first time a Kage started blubbering, like a little kid, no less, in front of a hall full of people.

* * *

Act 4: Shikamaru and Temari

At long last, Temari was marrying that Nara boy. After years of taunting and teasing and dates depending on who won more games of Shogi, they were getting married. And I was grateful that the wedding was at Suna. Because I don't think I could have survived another Konoha wedding.

And because it was at Suna, everything went by perfectly. No mishaps whatsoever. Everyone was dressed properly, the rings were produced on time, the readings went by smoothly, and the ceremony was over. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Temari had insisted on a reception, and I was sitting at a table with the Uchiha, both of us enjoying the companionable silence. The others were dancing, laughing and talking. Shikamaru and Temari were surrounded by people who kept congratulating them. Kankuro clinked a glass to gain everyone's attention, and he announced that dinner would be served shortly. Everyone continued what they were doing.

Suddenly, I spotted something out of the corner of my eye that made me sit up. Beside me, the Uchiha also straightened.

"Did you-?"

"A flash. Then that person disappeared into the crowd."

The Haruno approached our table. "Sasuke-kun! Gaara-san! What happened?"

The Uchiha shook his head. "Nothing, Gaara and I thought that we saw- " He trailed off as his eyes locked on something towards the far corner. I followed his gaze, and my eyes widened. There was no doubt about it. Our eyes were not mistaken. Haruno turned to look and suddenly froze.

"He should be dead! How can he be alive? I fought him, I saw him die!"

Her hand instinctively brushed her abdomen. Uchiha caught her wrist, and rubbed soothing circles on it with his thumb. I realized that she was rubbing the scar from when that deranged puppeteer had impaled her.

"I know that, Sakura. That's exactly what Gaara and I were worrying about. Look."

He pointed amongst the crowd. My eyes widened as I could make out the green plant creature, and the blonde explosive artist.

"But how is this possible, Uchiha? The Akatsuki have been dead since years!"

"That's what I'd like to know."

I commanded my sand to weave between the guests and soon, all ten Akatsuki were suspended in the air, trapped by my sand. And Uchiha and Haruno held multiple kunai between their fingers, aimed at each of the ten.

"Oi! Gaara! What's gotten into you?"

"Can't you see it, Kankuro? I'm dealing with- ... You're not the Akatsuki!"

"Well, of course they aren't! These are the themed caterers we hired!"

The three of us removed our weapons and called off the sand, repectively, embarrassed flushes covering our faces. Who the heck decided to hire Akatsuki-themed caterers anyway?

* * *

Act 5: Neji and Tenten

"I don't get it, Lee! Why the hell am I dressed up as a bride when Neji's dead?!"

"Fear not, Tenten. I, Rock Lee, shall make sure the flower of your love never withers. And so, you shall be wedded! For your love is one that will transcend the supernatural!"

Hyuuga Hiashi's face could only be described as baffled, as he looked at the hyperactive youth who was shouting happily about 'youth' and 'love' and other things, all the while prancing around his teammate's grave.

I had a nagging doubt that the Hyuuga prodigy would be rolling over in his grave at the moment. And I sympathized.

* * *

Thus, after five weddings, it was no surprise why I turned down every single proposal that the Elders put to me. I had good enough reason to.

A single Kazekage is a happy Kazekage.

* * *

**A.N. Hi! I know it's been ages since I updated, but I've been really busy. Well, this is a one-shot that I thought of ages ago, but never got round to writing. Reviews are appreciated. Flames welcome.**

**OnyxKatana**


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